The Dangers of Nair
So last night I was kinda bored and waiting for an application to download. Now with me having every device known to man that could connect to the internet, you might think that a fine young technician such as myself would do a little online research before I attempted the below endeavor. But naw I didn’t. I just jumped right in and learned a valuable lesson about chemicals and sensitive parts of the male anatomy.
I hadn’t spruced up my nether region in a bit and figured I would go ahead and see what I could do to make it a little more appealing and less hairy. Ya know, have a little surprise for ol sar when she came home. Luckily, a little earlier I had procured a bottle of Nair which I thought had to be safer than shaving, since long ago I had nicked myself down there trying to remove some offending strands.
Skeptically I tested this less than fragrant lotion on my upper pubic region and was pleasantly surprised at how effective the treatment was. Mop gone, no pain, everything looking good-to-go. I had to leave it on a little longer than the bottle said to be effective. No big deal, what’s an extra minute or two… Or so I thought. I was pretty happy with the result and couldn’t wait to share my new-found baldness with my lady-love, but I had a few more places that needed to be cleared before I would be fully rid of that dastardly hair.
With the success of the first treatment, I figured ok cool now I just have to do the harder-to-reach, more delicate areas. I went ahead and applied the lotion to anywhere I saw or felt hair. I smeared it on thick. By the time I was finished I looked pretty silly, kinda like a big guy in a little white speedo. I made sure there was no fur left uncovered. I was actually quite proud of my application prowess, dumb man pride to be exact. That whole process took about 2 minutes. Well, Nair instructions say to leave it on for 3-7 minutes then brush off with a sponge to make sure the hair was being removed completely. Since my first experiment showed I needed a full 10 minutes to really ensure that all frizzies were removed, I figured I had plenty of time, especially since there were no side effects the first time around. So I got my area all covered with the white creamy goodness that is Nair and I carefully took a seat and started to play with our new iPad. Unfortunately, I lost track of time. After a very long 2-3 minutes, a warm tingling sensation arose in my most sensitive of spots. It felt kinda good, like drinking warm hot chocolate on a cold winter’s day. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
As I was reveling in this sensation, its intensity slowly grew. Gone was the warm fuzzy feeling, replaced by more of a “gonads on fire” vibe. So, being the smart guy I am, I figured it may be time to hop in the shower and get the pain-inducing substance off of my most prized possessions. In the time it took me to walk from my bed to the shower(about 15 feet), the uncomfortable burning engulfed my privates and quickly transformed into a raging conflagration of pain and misery. Tiny wisps of smoke were coming from places one NEVER wants to see smoke coming from. So now I am hopping up and down, Nair dripping off me in a most unappealing way, trying to get in the shower, all the time feeling like a midget with a flamethrower was using me to make testicular flambé.
Nair’s instructions, which I was having a hard time remembering because of the overriding concern for my boys, advises gentle removal of the hair with the provided sponge. Yea, just a point of reference: When your balls are burning with the fires of hell and you have to use an abrasive sponge to remove anything, it hurts. Really really badly. But there I am in the shower trying to get this damn Nair off my fellas before I am permanently chemically castrated using a sponge that feels like lava rock on the base of that most tender temple.
When I finally got the infernal goo washed away, I discovered that my personal pouch was as red as a tomato and throbbing with the heat of Hades. It felt like I had been racked by a really pissed off 10 foot porcupine that had been all roided up!
So if you see me gingerly walking around the office today you will understand why. You don’t have to ask, you will just know. And we never have to speak of this again.